Our James

I'd like the memory of me to be a happy one.

 I'd like to leave an afterglow of smiles 
when life is done. 

I'd like to leave an echo whispering softly down the ways, of happy times and laughing times
 and bright and sunny days. 

I'd like the tears of those who grieve to dry before the sun, of happy memories that I leave when life is done.

My name is Kathleen DuBon Fields, and my beloved brother James DuBon left this earth June 25, 2016. I have started this blog as a means to try and cope with my overwhelming grief. I would also like to invite the rest of our family, as well as James' many, many friends to join me here to memorialize this amazing man we all loved so well. Please feel free to post your thoughts, feelings, and memories in the comments section so we can all remember this beautiful light we have lost.

Kathy

kdm121@gmail.com

WHY?

Jimmy. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. What went wrong? How could this have happened? Things were never supposed to be this way. We were both supposed to live wonderful lives and grow into peaceful, happy, old people. You weren't  supposed to leave so soon, sweetie. Your leaving has shattered my heart irreparably.

Honey, I wish I had known truly bad things had gotten for you. I would have moved heaven and earth to help you. We spoke so much, and so deeply, the last few months. I knew you were having a very rough time and I just wanted to fix things for you. I should have followed my instincts and flown home to see you. I know you told me not to come, but I will never, ever forgive myself for not going to you when I knew you needed me. I wish you had been able to come here.....you  would have been cherished and cared for. I would have gotten you any help you needed. I failed you, James, and I will blame myself until the day  join you.

Then There's Today

It was a year ago today that you left us. I can still hear Jeannie's voice in my head, telling me you were gone. I remember howling like a wounded animal, and collapsing into my husband's arms. He comforted me as best he could, but nothing could take away the devastating pain I felt. Returning to LI to say goodbye to you was the hardest thing I have ever done. Now it's been a whole year, and I have cried rivers of tears.

You must have seen my pain, because you came to me one night. It was most definitely not a dream...it was YOU, and as real and alive as ever. We had a brief conversation, and you gave me a great, big bear hug. Then, in a flash, you were gone.

That brief encounter dried my tears. I know you are happy and at peace. I still miss you beyond what words can express, but now I can take comfort in our happy memories. I can look at your pictures and smile, and I still talk to you every day.

I love you, James Gerard.

Our Guys

Look at y'all. The three DuBon men, smiling and happy on the deck in Cutchogue. Daddy was already sick by then, but he was looking good that day. I'm not sure when I took this, but I'm guessing it was a Memorial Day.

You and I were by Daddy's side when he passed, along with Mom and Heidi. Steve, Jackie, and Jeanne were only moments too late, having made the trip from Lynbrook. Judy got there just a bit after them.He had such a peaceful passing, surrounded by family that loved him so well.

Last year you were taken from us, with none of us there for you when you passed. It breaks my heart to know we couldn't be there to hold your hand. I bless the amazing Rosebud, who was faithfully by your side, and who stood watch over you until help arrived.

And Stephen....God bless and keep him. He is now the head of the family, and he has stepped up and fills the role magnificently. He is handling everything beautifully, and spends his weekends in Cutchogue, caring for Mother. While I would have joyfully brought your beloved Rosie back to Texas with me, he and Jackie adopted her without a second thought. She is safe, content, and well-loved. She couldn't have found a better home.

I lean on Stephen now, and you and Daddy are always on my mind and forever in my heart.

Our Music

I got this album while I was in high school, and you fell in love with Janis the first time you heard it. You used to come into my room and sit and listen to it with me over and over. It was awesome to be able to share her music with you. To this day I have the CD in my car, and I think of you with joy when I'm cruising down the Texas highways, blasting her at full volume.

You told me you saw "A Night With Janis Joplin" on Broadway, and were sad that I wasn't there to share the night with you. Likewise, I have eaten at Threadgill's here in Austin....the very place Janis got her start. You know I was thinking of you while I was there. I was planning it as a must-see for when you came to visit. Now I think about you every time I drive by.

Back in late June of last year I watched a Janis biopic on Netflix--"Little Girl Lost". I texted you about it that day, and was puzzled that you didn't respond. Well, sweetheart, you couldn't respond....you were already gone.

Janis will always remind of you.